Every meaningful relationship you have right now exists because someone reached out.
And if you think back to how they did it… you can learn something.
We’ve done bad
How did we get so bad at the simple act of introducing ourselves to someone we don’t know?
How did we get to the point where we spend time screenshotting people’s attempts and posting them with the caption “look at this idiot”?
I’m not blaming you for outreach shaming. We all do it.
We do it because we’re frustrated. Frustrated at the sheer volume of emails and DMs we have to wade through.
But the unwanted outcome is that we so don’t want to add to the pile that we’ve decided we shouldn’t bother trying to meet anyone new.
Sure, you can grow a business without proactively reaching out. Many of us get very comfortable with referral life. But writing it off entirely isn’t helpful. It’s a viable channel. At certain points of growth, it’s the right channel. You just need to do it well.
The people who get outreach shamed aren’t doing it well.
They’ve done it so badly you’ve recoiled.
The person who does it well? You didn’t even really notice.
The hotbox (a short story)
When I started university, everyone from my course on the first day was put into a room together.
It was a hot day and the room barely big enough for us all. No one knew anyone.
People started chatting because of proximity. The person next to me was asking questions that required commitments. What clubs had I looked at? What were my plans after this awkward fest? Did I think everyone was going for a drink.
I didn’t like it and moved away.
As I moved away and failed to connect with (actively avoided) anyone else, I found myself heading for the door.
I stepped outside into the corridor and felt the cool air. Relax.
I would have got my smartphone out, but they weren’t invented yet (why are you so ageist?), so I read a notice board.
There was another guy out there from the course. We silently acknowledged each other and stood a comfortable distance apart, sharing a silent moment in the cool air of the corridor.
Then he spoke.
“It fucking stinks in there.”
That was it. No pitch, no ask, no agenda.
Just a relatable comment about how it “fucking stinks in there”
We became best mates.
Granted, I’ve never bought anything off him.
OK here’s the lesson
Introducing yourself well isn’t about forcing the issue, it’s about being in the right places (the corridor), at the right time (the course intro day), being passively visible (the nod of acknowledgement when I came out) and then taking the opportunity (the thing he said, I won’t swear again).
That isn’t easy, it doesn’t happen every day, it’s much softer than an offer in an email.
It involves doing things that feel like they are getting you nowhere. Like showing up in places and helping without asking for anything back.
But new introductions don’t happen at all unless you are proactive.
How you make them happen is your choice, whether you need to make them happen is not.